You Want to Kiss Me, Don’t You
She arrived in their neighborhood four days ago, moving into the empty apartment above the old corner store. Rick had already figured out which building and even what floor she’d settled on. She looked to be about thirty, though Rick wasnt much good at guessing womens ages. Her name was Julie, and she came in an ancient Buick with her husband and a middle-aged woman who mightve been her mother.
The first thing Rick fell for was her laughlight, bell-like, like windchimes tinkling. He was hurrying by, lost in his own business, but when he heard it, he stopped dead in his tracks and turned around. From then on, it seemed he couldn’t keep his eyes off Julie.
Julie! Julie, get over here! It’s starting to drizzle, youll catch a cold! called the woman hiding under the awning at the apartment door.
Mom! Look, these kids are hilarious! Look how theyre dressed! Julie wiggled her fingers at the kids digging in the sandbox. Little elves, seriously, just like elves! She laughed again, grabbed her suitcase, and walked up to the door.
Doug! Doug, why are you so slowlike a turtle? At least open the door if you cant manage the bags! she snapped over her shoulder.
A man eased out from the back of the Buick, stood carefully clutching his chest, and managed a wan smile at Julie as he nodded, Yeah, sure, Ill be there in a second!
But he moved slowly, painfully so, and Julies face clouded with annoyance as she stamped her foot, impatient.
Almost without noticing, Rick found himself up beside her, pulling open the door, reaching for the suitcase. Let me help. Which floor?
Oh, Julie, what a gentleman! called the shadowy older woman from the stairwell. Give him the suitcaselets go up. Honestly, Julie! You would not believe the mess up there, honey! Just unbelievable!
So, you probably already figured out Im Julie. Heres the stuffsixth floor, apartment forty-six. Careful, please, dont drop anything.
With a practiced hand she handed Rick the suitcase and ran for the elevator, just making the doors. Rick tried to follow, but the elevator shot up without him.
Thank you, young man, weve got it from here, someone said behind him. Rick turned to see the man from the car, pale, drawn, gray circles beneath his eyes. There was something searchingand then dimmingin Dougs gaze as he looked Rick up and down.
No problem. I can help with the unpacking Rick hesitated, as if caught in the act.
But it seemed Doug immediately knew what Rick feltthat fizz of excitement, somewhere deep in his gut, that swooning glaze every time he saw Julies bright, laughing, peach-pink face.
Were okay. Weve got it. Goodbye. Doug grabbed the suitcase, wheezed, pushed past to the elevator, and slumped against the wall.
Rick walked outside. From a sixth-floor window, Julies laughter and her mothers fretful scolding drifted down. Rick craned his neck to see if shed look out, and sure enough, Julie leaned halfway out and yelled, Come back here tomorrow, 8 a.m.! We got furniture coming, need help unloading! Bring your friends. My husbandll pay you, right Doug? Something mumbled back inside the apartment. Come! Well have tea after!
Julie disappeared behind the curtain, watching as Rick nodded quickly, stepping off down the sidewalk, glancing back every few paces. But she wouldnt show herself again, not today. She was good at these gamesromantic, drawn-out games. Good at driving admirers crazy, even her husband Doug, who stood helpless, angry at his wifes wildness, impotent to change anything…
…Hey, Rick! a redheaded girl in jeans and a plaid shirt caught up with him. She grabbed his sleeve and spun him around. Youre walking like you dont see anyone! Ive called you three times. So, tomorrow, its still on? Were going?
She smiled.
Oh, hey Jess. Uh… actually, you guys go without me, something came up at home.
Rick yanked his arm free, wincing as if her grip stung.
Whats up with that, Rick? We waited three months for these permitsMr. Shepard practically had to beg for us
They were supposed to head to a paleontology digsite outside town.
Sorry, Jess. Mom needs mechores at home. Cant help it. Ricks smile was apologetic, distracted. He wanted to hug Jess, to feel her warmth, to listen to her heart beating under that shirt, to slide his hands along her hips… but, as usual, Jess brushed him off, muttered something sharp, and left in a huff. She always kept her distance, maybe afraid to let go, maybe just not in love even if she insisted otherwise. All her talk about being too young, about not jumping into things, it sounded suspiciously like her mothers words. The other girls let their boyfriends get away with much more, but Rick only ever liked Jess. He called her sunshine, freckles, kitten, bought her ice cream, took her to moviesalways hoping the fortress would fall. But now he barely cared; Jess seemed pale, flat, compared to Julie.
Julie, with her curves in all the right places, those toned legs, delicate hands, and a tiny waist that looked like Rick could fit his hands around it. Dark, almost black hair with a hint of chestnut cut in a bold bob, making her reckless, bold, andmost of alldesirable. No, Rick thought, Jess doesn’t even compare. She’s a scarecrow next to Julie.
Rick, its me again. You sure you cant come? Maybe youll finish up your choresmaybe youll come with us… with me? Jess whispered on the phone.
Sorry, Jess. Really cant. Im busy.
Ricks mom, Linda, stood in the doorway behind him, smiling. She liked Jessthought she was a sweet, wholesome girl. Jess came over sometimes, played piano duets with Lindas sister, shared a love of vanilla ice cream, fried potatoes, and tea with honey. If Linda had had a daughter, shed have wanted one just like Jess. Maybe someday, she hoped, Jess would be her daughter-in-law…
Jess? Lemme talk to her, Rick, I gotta ask about her dress! Linda reached for the phone. Rick reluctantly handed it over. His mom cooed over alterations and pleats, teasing Jess about her narrow waist and how easy it was to sew for her.
Jess said something, Linda laughed, then bid goodbye.
You all are still going tomorrow, right? Jess says shell wait for you at the station. And whats this about chores youre telling her? Rick, pack up your bag, Im waking you up early tomorrow!
She ruffled his hair, blew on the lock flopping across his brow, and hummed something old while she walked away.
Okay, Mom. Sure… Rick mumbled, scowling, then yelled he was taking out the trash. Dropping the bag in the dumpster, he hurried over to the park, mumbled something to his friends. They offered a cigarette, he smoked nervously, eyes darting to see if Mom was watching…
Next morning, Linda got Rick up at sunrise, fed him breakfast, thrust his rucksack at him, and pushed him out the door.
Send Jess my love! she whispered at the entryway. And keep your cool, okay? Jess is gentle, she wont stand for any monkey business.
Mom! Rick groaned.
What? I can tell whats brewing in you! Just dont blow it, save it for the future, let things start right… Off you go!
He waved and walked for the bus stop.
But Jess waited on the train platform for nothing, squinting at every face, calling Rick, begging the others to wait a little longer.
Hes not coming, Jess! Either you get on the train or you stay here. Were not waiting for one guy! All aboard! barked Mr. Shepard, the group leader.
…You made it, good! Julie, wrapped in a scarf as thin as a spiderweb, greeted Rick in the yard, smiling, showing those perfect white teeth, shivering slightly. Rick wanted to whip off his jacket, drape it over her fragile shoulders, warm her hands in hisanything to help.
Trucks coming soon with the furnituredid I already say? Wait, whats your name again? I forgot to ask…
She bit her lip, cocked her head.
Rick, he answered, voice rough.
Rick? Like the cowboy from the movies? she grinned. Oh, hey youve got an eyelash! Hold still, Ill get it, then you blow, make a wish!
She brushed his cheek gently with her warm fingers, red nails flashing, then showed him the eyelash in her palm.
Blow, and wish hard! she whispered, her cinnamon perfume spicy, dizzying.
Rick blew, heart racing, just as Doug, her husband, walked up.
Julie snatched back her hand, turned away, watched the driveway.
Julie, go inside, its freezing! Ill handle this! Doug said sternly.
Im not going inside, Doug! You need the fresh air, not me! Rick, come onlets check if the trucks here!
She hurried down the walk, not looking back. She knew Rick would follow her like a lamb, and Doug, pale and exhausted, watched them go.
Ricks friends showed up as the moving truck pulled in.
Boxes firstcareful, theres glass! And these are photos. Oh, Rick, Julie bumped into him, Stay after, Mom will feed you! My moms got roast in the oven. Right, Doug? she called to her husband. Doug! Dont just stand there, go upstairs, start unpacking. Moms exhausted, the least you can do is help!
Doug stepped aside, clutching his chest, wanting to protest, but only sighed and left.
Rick, you in college? What for? Julie asked, bright-eyed. Hey, want coffee? Theres a café nearbyor we can go up, Ive got some beans my friend brought me from Italy. Ill grind them, best coffee, just you wait!
No, really, too much work still, Rick shook his head, helping unload the furniture.
Theres enough people! Come, let me show you the apartment! Julie whispered into his ear. And whats with the rucksack?
Rick started to explain about the dig, sophomore year, his hobbies…
But Julie, inside the elevator, turned around, put her hand over his mouth.
No more, honey. Its boringcollege, exams, jobseveryone does that. Boring, so boring. Dont talk. Kiss me, Rick! You want to, dont you? Kiss me, please…
He stared at her up close, saw the pulse in her temple, breathed in her spicy cinnamon scent.
She placed his hands on her waist, pressed herself to his chest, and gently tilted his head toward hers…
Later that night, tossing in bed, Rick kept reliving that kiss, grinding his teeth because the elevator had arrived too soondoors opened, and there was Julies mother, holding a pot plant.
God, what an awkward mess! But Julie acted like she noticed nothing, pulled Rick out of the elevator.
Mom, this is Rick, came for coffee. Dont be shycome in! My mom, Claire…
But Rick couldnt step inside the place, not with Doug standing glaring in the hallway, frail, hollow-eyed. Rick left, loitered outside, wasted the day, wandering aimlessly, dropping his bag at the courts, boxing and working the pull-up bar until his arms shook. He could still feel his hands at Julies waist, smoothing the folds of her scarf…
How was the trip? Rick, you said two days Linda greeted him, worried.
Just fine, Mom. Like usual, Rick muttered, unlacing his boots and ducking into his room.
Linda sighed. Did he have a fight with Jess? Such a good match, been friends since forever. Jess had moved here from some remote town, scared of everythingeven streetcarsbut smart and musical. Rick had immediately looked out for her, protected her… Theyd grown up holding hands in the special way Linda always imagined.
Cheer up, Rick. Fights blow over. Jess is a good kidshell forgive, Linda whispered to him by the bathroom. Wash up and eat. And remember, you always belong here, no matter what, Ill always wait and love you, you got that?
Rick nodded, squeezed her shoulder.
Im not hungry, Mom. I just want to sleep, thanks…
Julie haunted his dreamsthey were back in the elevator, endlessly, moving so slow, and Rick didnt mind at all…
The next evening, while Linda set out warm cinnamon rolls, Jess came by.
Hey, Jess! Linda beamed. And you got a tan! Where were you guys? Rick got home yesterday, pale as a ghost. Rick! Jess is here! Come on, have some tea!
Rick shuffled out.
Hey, he muttered, not meeting Jesss eyes.
Hey…um, check this out! Jess chirped, breaking the silence. Never mind that Rick had avoided her, stood her upshe still cared for him. Look what we found! Just like in those books! Mr. Shepard is gonna send pictures to the museum!
She spread out stones on the desk. Whoops, sorrytheres some dirt. Ill
She turned to go borrow a rag, but Rick suddenly grabbed her, squeezed her tight, pressed his chin to her neck, tried to kiss her mouth, but Jess broke free, shoving him back.
What are you doing, Rick? Dont… its not like that, its… she whimpered, clutching her bag.
How is it? Huh? How many times are you gonna tease me? You shake your little body in front of me, call, send dumb messageswhy? Rick hissed, slamming the door shut before Jess could escape. Prove you love me. Show me how much!
He grabbed for her again, but she swung her backpack, smacked his back, and stormed out.
Jess, but Linda started, poking her head out, but the door slammed.
About an hour later, the bell rang.
Rick, maybe she came back! Dont be stubborn, Linda pleaded.
Its not a fight. Shes the one who lost it. Forget her.
Rick, thats not right! I dont know what happened, but I hope I don’t have reason to be ashamed for you. Fine, Ill answer it.
Linda swung open the door and blinked in surprise at Julies smile.
Howdy, Julie swept inside blithely. Looking for Rick. We were supposed to have coffee, you know, but it didnt work out. You have any? Ohnice curtains… Oh wow, a piano! Mind if I play? Me and Mom love music! What a sound! Cmon, sit, lets all listen.
She acted as if she owned the place already, scattering compliments and laughing. Her presence was a whirlwind, a tide crashing into their living room.
Linda stumbled, apologizing, not understanding a thing…
Rick came out. Julie dropped bills in his shirt pocket.
Doug wanted you to have this. You really helped us! Rick, can I see your room?
We were just having dinner… Linda hinted, but Julie only shrugged. Dinners fine.
But Linda protested. She could see what Julie was after, the way she looked at Rick, drew him in, fluttered her hands. Women could tell, even without a degree. And when it was your son being lured by a woman old enough to be his aunt, it made you wary.
Let me make a salad? I make good salads. Rick, help me with the apron? Julie was already untying Lindas apron, but Rick steered her toward the door.
Thanks for coming by, Aunt Julie, but Moms feeling poorly, needs rest, he said loudly.
Well… alright, Julie sighed, shoulders slumping. But at least walk me outits so dark in the hallway, that bulbs nearly shot. Im nervous!
Rick obediently walked her downstairs. On the landing, she stopped, turned, and showered his face with kisses.
Good thing I dragged you away, huh? Your mom gave me such a look! But I got you. Come, Rick, lets go! Mom and Doug went to the theater, theyll be gone a while. You want to, dont you?
She led him through streets glowing orange and white, held his hand, glanced up at him sideways, like she almost didnt believe he was really flesh and blood.
At the corner, a girl called out.
Aw, damn, Rick muttered. Jess…
Whos that? Your girlfriend? Julie craned for Jess in the crowd.
Nah, just a classmate, Rick snapped.
Julie kissed him full on the mouth, making Rick jump back.
What are you afraid of? You want her to leave you alone, right? Shes not yours, you dont even like her. Let her see youre already with someone new! Julie giggled. Youre your own man, Rick. You get to choose. Come on, times ticking!
Julie was Ricks firstexperienced, sly, intoxicating. Hed remember her forever, weighed every girl after against her, but none could ever stand up.
…Julie, you have a husband, Rick tried to protest, flicking at the light switch, but Julie yanked the cord out.
So what? Julie shrugged, as always. He stopped being my husband a long time agojust paper.
So why stay? Divorce him, and well Well get married! Rick whispered, intoxicating with hope.
Oh, hush! Doug is my cross to bear. He was different once, and after my dad died, me and Mom had no idea how to manage. When he proposed, I said yescouldnt handle life alone. I cant work, I physically cant! Mom hates teaching kids. We were falling apart. Doug took care of us. He loved me, or pretended, and brought in money. I paid him with myself.
Rick scoffed, raising an eyebrow.
Dont call me a gold-digger! I was his wife, fair and square. Dont you dare! I was a good wifecouldnt cook, but could entertain. He dreamt of such a life. And I delivered.
Rick apologized, desperate not to lose her.
What about kids? You never had any?
I got pregnant in our second year… she said softly, looking away. Doug dragged us to his friends lakeside cabin. I slipped on the porch, hit the deck. Dougs fault! And in the hospital, while they put me under, I just repeated how much I hated him. Hell never be a dad. But hes already been punished. Some thugs attacked himstabbed him. Hes so pathetic now, its almost sad. I guess I wont leave himhe needs me. I need to survive. But listen, Rick, I love you, you, do you hear?
They were silent a long while…
Rick left only when Julie said she felt her husband drawing near.
She always sensed thingssadness, tension, joy, omens and signs. Shed read tarot, cross herself, kneel naked and beg God for pardon…
…Whereve you been? Linda demanded as Rick tried to slip into the bathroom. You smell like perfume, you look beat up. Jess…
Jess what, Mom? She means nothing! Just a puppy bouncing around. You liked hermade up a story, but I dont care! Mind your own business, stop grilling me, and if she calls, tell her to leave me alone! Shes nothing, bone-dry! Thats all!
Tell her yourself! snapped Jess from the doorway, tying her sneakers, grabbing her bag, and running out. She tripped, scraped her knee, but ran straight home before finally sobbingpain everywhere: her skin, her heart, her soul.
…Linda bumped into Julies mother by accident, feeding ducks in the park. She found out about Rick and Julie from Jess.
Your daughter is a homewrecker, Linda said calmly. Please keep her away from my boy.
Claire crumbled bread, sat on the bench. Shes just making up for lost timemarried too young. Her husband took her youth, left her childless. Shes just a real woman, thats all.
Shes a vampire, draining men dry! Linda cried, louder than she meant. Rick is so young and shes stolen him from a good girl! Its dirty. And cheatingthats disgusting!
Oh, dont be dramatic! Your sons in good hands. Julies showing him what passion really meansnot some pink-frilled fantasy. Thats what men are for, anywayso women survive.
She tossed more bread to the pigeons fighting at her feet.
Not everyone lives like that! Linda shook her head. People love each other, theyre a team; they pull together. And if you dont talk to your daughter, Ill tell her husband everything.
Go ahead, he knows anyway, Claire sneered. He stays because he loves Julie, so he suffers. Tell himmake it worse! And let your boy have his fun, for Jesss sake.
With that, Claire brushed off the crumbs and drifted away, light as air, off to another concert with her son-in-law.
…Rick, flowers behind his back, snuck into Julies. She was on the phone. He decided to wait, bringing champagne and the news that hed dropped out of college, determined to support her and be the man in her life.
What? Oh, yeah, hes coming soon. Another young onewhat a catch! Martha, Ive had so many, and therell be more. Feel bad? PleaseI love men, but just as raw material. I mold them, play, then toss. Try it, youll love it! Rick? Oh, were not done yet. Doug gets crazy, but never leavesno guts. Worms, Martha, theyre all worms! When will I stop? Never! Bye!
Julie stepped into the hall in her robe, calling for company. But Rick was gone. The flowers lay trampled, the champagne unopened.
Partys over, let the lights go out… Julie yawned, stretching. Guess Ill sleep tonight. Tomorrow, Ill find new prey…
That day, Rick said nothing, slammed the door, and took a bus out of town to his uncles in Anchorage.
Mike, I dont know what got into him! He barged in, packed his bag, hugged me, and left! Please, keep an eye on him! The school calledhe dropped out. I’ll try to fix it tomorrow, please… Linda wept on the phone.
Her brother soothed herLinda was tough, shed survive, as long as she didnt have to do it alone…
…Linda? What brings you here? Jess asked, arms full of paperwork. Why wait outside?
Oh, Jess, dear… Rick quit. Ran off. I just want to ask them to wait before making it final. Forgive him, okay? Not asking you to take him backjust forgive. I raised him wrong, maybe. He cant tell good from bad. I couldnt make him good…
Linda knotted her handkerchief. Jesss eyes filled with old pain.
Its okay, Ms. Keller, its okay! Hold on, Ill check if the deans in…
…Rick returned a month later, unshaven, windburned. Linda was measuring dough in the kitchen.
Rick? she asked, voice low.
Its me, Mom. Just let me…
He knelt before her, she stroked his hair, crying, whispering. No, Claire was wrong. Men werent worms. Ricks dad died in Afghanistan, her granddad lost his fingers at a lathehe wasnt a worm. Neither was Rick. He was lost, but kind. Forgivable. But Linda was not just a womanshe was his mom.
You have to apologize to Jess. Not to fix what wasbut just because its right. Thats what men do. I love you, son. Now love and respect yourself, too.
A worm? Rick grinned.
He knocked on Jesss door, again and again. She finally opened it. He apologizednot pleading, just honest, told her hed never known a girl as pure as Jess, envied the man whod spend his life with her.
She nodded. Shed wanted that man to be him. Yes, childish, yes, naivebut she knew that thinga big, bright something growing inside you: the flower of first love. It hurts when its cut down, withers, but you never forget. It marks the road of your life with your name and your yearsyou loved, you felt, you really lived.
Rick switched to night school, then, after college, moved away. Linda still hopes to be a mother-in-law, a grandma someday, but for now she babysits Jesss kids, makes them funny toys. Jess has a good husband, she loves and guards her little family. Shed have been a perfect daughter-in-law, but not for Linda. A shame…
Julies husband died three years on. She now works at the corner store, hates her job and her mother, who never taught, just sits at home sighing, cursing the wild son-in-law from afar…