She Wants Me to Kiss Her
She had shown up in their neighborhood just four days earlier, moving into an empty apartment on Oakwood Street. Danny had already figured out which building shed rented, even which floor. She looked about thirty, though Dan was never good at guessing womens ages. Her name was Amanda, and shed arrived in a rusty old Chevrolet with her husband and an older woman.
The first thing Dan fell for was her laughlight, tinkling, the kind you read about in books, the kind that sounds like bells. Hed been rushing down the sidewalk on his way somewhere, froze in place when he heard it, and from that moment on, he never lost sight of Amanda.
Amanda! Amanda, hurry up or youll get soaked! her companion called from under the awning, her voice whiny with concern as it drizzled outside.
Mom, look at these cute kids! Look at their coats, Mom! Dont they look like little elves? Amanda exclaimed, pointing at kids digging in the sandbox, refusing to leave.
She laughed again, grabbed her rolling suitcase, and headed toward the building.
Mike! Mike, why are you moving like a turtle?! At least open the door if you can’t help carry the bags! she called playfully over her shoulder.
A man slowly climbed out of the backseat, steadying himself as he stood, clutching his chest. He smiled at Amanda and nodded, Sure, Im coming!
But he was moving too slow, frustration written across Amandas face; she stomped her foot impatiently.
Dan barely noticed when he found himself right there, yanking open the front door and offering a hand for the suitcase, voice soft: Let me help. Which floor do you need?
Out of the gloom of the entryway came a joking voice, Oh Amanda, what a polite young man! Give him the suitcase, lets go upthis lobby is a disaster, honestly!
Amanda glanced at Dan with a smile. So, as you probably gathered, my names Amanda. Heres the stuffsixth floor, apartment 406. Careful, please, dont drop it.
She placed the handle in Dans palm and dashed to the closing elevator.
Dan rushed after her, but missed itthe doors slid shut and the elevator rose.
Thank you, young man, we can take it from here, came a voice behind Dan. He turned to see Amandas husband, his face pale, dark circles under his eyes, a sadness behind his gaze that flickered and faded all at once.
Its really no trouble. I can help you unload Dan stammered.
But he could tellthe man knew. Knew about the electric feeling deep in Dans gut, the intoxication he felt just seeing Amandas fresh face, peach-blushed cheeks and laughing eyes.
No Were fine. Goodbye,” Mike cut him off, taking back the suitcase, out of breath as he pressed the elevator button and propped himself against the wall, head hanging low.
Dan wandered back outside. From a sixth-floor window spilled Amandas laughter and her moms scolding, drifting out onto the street. Tilting his head, Dan watched to see if shed appear. Sure enough, Amanda leaned out, earning a new round of fretful protests from her mother, and called down:
Come by tomorrow! Eight a.m.! Our furnitures being delivered and well need help moving it up. Bring your friends! My husband will pay youright, Mike? she called into the room. A grumble was her reply. Come on over! Well have tea after!
Amanda ducked behind the curtain to watch Dan nod rapidly at her, walking away but looking back, hopeful. She wouldn’t show herself again, though. She knew how to play this gamethe waiting, the teasing, how to drive men crazy, and her husband too, who watched helplessly as his world slipped away
Hey, Dan, wait up!came a call. A freckle-faced girl in jeans and a plaid shirt hurried up, grabbing his arm and spinning him around. You didnt even notice me! I yelled for you three times already. Sois it still on for tomorrow? We going?
She smiled.
Oh, hey, Kristin. I Um Dan hesitated, No, you guys go without me. Something came up.
He pulled his arm free, wincing as if her touch stung.
What do you mean, Dan?! Weve been waiting on those permits for months. Mr. Carter practically begged to get them for us! This is
They were supposed to go on a paleontology dig way out at the old state quarry.
Sorry, Kris, my mom needs help at homeshe asked, what can I do! Dan forced a guilty smile, tempted to draw Kristin close, feel her heartbeat even through her thin shirt, run his hands over her hips But as usual, Kristin wriggled away, muttered something bitter, and stalked off. She had always kept Dan at arms lengthafraid shed lose control, or maybe she just didnt really love him, no matter what she said. Shed always claimed they were too young, didnt want to mess things upechoes of her mothers lectures, really. The other girls in their group werent nearly as reserved. But somehow, Dan never cared for anyone but Kristin. He called her sunshine, teased her, bought her ice cream, always sat with her at the back of the theater, hoping someday her walls would topple
Now, Kristin seemed dull, awkward, plain compared to Amandas daring curves and long, toned legs, her cropped dark hair, those sharp, enticing eyes. NoKristin didnt stand a chance anymore.
Later, Kristins voice trembled through the phone. Dan, hey, its me again. Maybe you can get everything done todaycan you still come tomorrow? Please? I want us to go together
Sorry, Kris. I cant. I really cant, Dan replied.
Behind him, his mom, Elizabeth, smiled knowingly. She liked Kristinshe was sweet, pure, the kind of girl whod play duets on the old piano and snack on Ben and Jerrys. If Elizabeth ever got a daughter, shed want her just like Kristinmaybe someday as a daughter-in-law. She couldnt help but hope.
Thats Kristin? Elizabeth reached for the phone. Let me talk to herI need to ask about her dress
Dan reluctantly handed over the receiver, and his mother chatted about patterns and sewing and how easy it was to fit something for a slim waist like Kristins. Kristin laughed, Elizabeth laughed, finally saying their goodbyes.
Youre still going tomorrow, right? she asked her son. Kristin said shell wait for you at the station. She lowered her voice, What excuse did you give her? Dan, pack your bagIll wake you early tomorrow!
Ruffling his hair, she walked off humming an old Nancy Sinatra song.
Okay, Mom. Okay, Dan mumbled. Then louder he announced he was going to take out the trash.
Dumping the bag in the can, he tracked down his friends at the park, bummed a cigarette, all the while glancing backwas his mother watching from the window?
In the morning, Elizabeth woke him, fed him breakfast, shoved the backpack into his hands.
Give Kristin my best, she whispered. And listen, keep your hands to yourself, shes too delicate for that.
Ma! Dan groaned.
Dont Ma me! I know what youre thinkingtry to keep your head, okay? Some things are worth saving for the right time. She pushed him out the door. Go on, now!
Dan waved and trudged off toward the bus
But Kristin never saw him at the station, kept searching faces as the train whistled in, called his name, begged the group to wait a little longer.
Hes not coming! Kristin, youre in or outtrain leaves in two minutes! Were not waiting for one person! snapped Mr. Carter, the expedition leader. All aboard!
You made it!Amanda greeted Dan in the chilly early morning, wrapping a thin silk shawl around her shoulders, shivering slightly but smiling, perfect white teeth flashing. Dan wanted nothing more than to throw his jacket around her, warm her hands with his own.
Our truck will be here any minute, the furnitures comingI told you, right? Whats your name, anyway? I didnt even ask
She bit her lip, cocking her head, apologetic.
Dan, he rasped out.
Like Daniel Boonenice! she smiled. Oh, youve got an eyelash on your cheekhere, let me get it. Make a wish when you blow it away!
She brushed his cheek gently with warm fingers tipped with bright red nail polish, then held the little eyelash in her palm.
Go on, blowwish for something special, she whispered. He felt her breath against his skin, smelled that spicy cinnamon scent.
He blew, blinking as Amandas husband, Mike, appeared beside them suddenly.
Amanda withdrew her hand, turned away to peer up the road.
Amanda, go inside. Its coldI’ll handle the truck, her husband said, trying to keep his tone steady.
No, Im fine out here. You need to be careful, Mike, not me. Dan, come on, lets wait by the gate and watch for the truck.
She strode quickly toward the sidewalk, not bothering to look back. Dan followed like a lamb, and Mike, pale and tired, just watched their backs.
The truck pulled up; Dans friends arrived.
Start with the boxesthose have glass! And heres the photos. Oh, Dan, Amanda giggled, brushing against him, please stay after, Mom will cook you somethingher pot roast is amazing. Right, Mike? she called over her shoulder. Mike! Dont just stand therego inside and help. At least do something!
Mike shuffled away, leaving the guys to haul boxes, his shoulders slumped.
So, Danare you in college? Amanda inquired, joining him for a moment. Wanna get some coffee later? Theres a great café downtownno? Okay, you can come to our place instead. Ive got real Italian coffee, a friend sent itits delicious!
No, thanks. Theres still a lot to do, Dan replied, grabbing the coffee table, helping another guy pull it from the truck.
Theres plenty of people herecome on, let me show you how we set up! Amanda whispered, tugging him toward the elevator. Hey, whats with the backpack?
Trying to explain about the paleontology dig and his classes, Dan stammered, but Amanda spun in the small elevator, put her hands over his mouth.
Dont, sweetie. Thats boring. School, work thats just ordinary. Kiss me, Dan. You want tokiss me, please.
Dan stared at her, close enough to see the pulse at her temple, smell her perfume.
She pulled his hands to her waist, pressed against his chest, cradled his chin and tilted his head
Later that night, tossing in bed, Dan replayed it over and over, gritting his teeth because the elevator had arrived too quicklythe doors opened and there was Amandas mom, struggling with a potted plant.
God, it had been so awkward. But Amanda, unbothered, just smiled and led him out.
Mom, this is Dan, were gonna have coffee. Dont be shycome in! Meet my mom, Olivia
But Dan didnt have the guts to go inside, not with Amandas husbandsickly, gloomy Mikefilling the small hallway, guiding the movers. Dan waited out on the curb, never asking for the promised cash, just wandered with his backpack all day, sometimes dragging his feet, sometimes pacing the basketball courts, swinging from the monkey bars until his hands shook. He could still feel Amandas waist under his fingers, the texture of her shawl
How was the trip? You said youd be gone for two days Elizabeth greeted Dan at the door, hesitant.
It was fine. Same as always, Dan muttered, and headed to his room.
Elizabeth sighed. Did he argue with Kristin? What a shamethey wouldve been so good together Kristin always looked at Dan like he hung the moon. Theyd been best friends since her family moved from God-knows-where, somewhere up North. Shed been scared of everything, but Dan had protected her. They grew up holding hands the way romantic moms dream their kids will.
Dan, dont fretdisagreements pass, itll work out. Kristin will forgive you. She pulled him aside as he passed by. Wash up, come eat. And know this, okay? Ill always love you; you always have a home here.
Dan hugged her. Im not hungry, Ma. Gonna sleep.
Amanda haunted his dreamsthe elevator, the slow ride, how he wished it would last forever
The next day as Elizabeth set out cinnamon rolls on a plate, Kristin showed up.
Hey, Mrs. Smith! she beamed. Whered you get that tan? We were out all day on the dig. Dans still like a ghost. She called into the other room, Dan! Dan, come have teaKristins here!
Dan trudged out.
Hey, he nodded.
Hi. UmI have to show you something! Kristin chirped, determined to break the tension. Hed ignored her at the dig, avoided herbut he was always Dan, her sweet, stubborn Dan. Mad at him or not, she couldnt help forgiving him. Look! This is just like in the bookwe found these fossils! Mr. Carter said hes sending photos to the museum!
She laid pebbles on the desk, apologizing about the sand, but as she turned for a cloth Dan suddenly caught her in a tight, anxious hug, chin pressed to her neck, searching for a kiss, but Kristin twisted away, pushing him off.
Why, Dan?… Dontits all wrong, this isnt she choked, snatching her bag.
How is it supposed to be, then? You tease me, call and text all the time. Why? Dan growled, slamming the door. If you love me, show me! Prove it! Prove how much you love me!
He grabbed her wrist again, but Kristin, swinging her bag, whacked him and stormed out.
Kristinwhat the? Elizabeth started, poking her head in, but the front door slammed.
About an hour later, the doorbell rang.
Dan, open itmaybe Kristin came back! Dont keep fighting. Elizabeth pleaded.
Were not fighting. Shes lost it. Screw her.
Dan, dont say that! I dont know what happened, but I hope I wont be ashamed of you when I find out. Fine, Ill get it.
Elizabeth opened the door and blinked in surprise as Amanda strolled inside.
Good evening, Amanda said brightly. Im here to see Dan. We meant to have coffee, but it didnt work out. Got any here? She breezed into the kitchen.
Excuse me, who are you? Dans tired, he needs rest Elizabeth tried to block her.
Im just visiting. Surprised? Hes a great kid, so politeyou raised him well! And this place is adorablethose curtains! Oh wow, a piano? May I? I love music! Without skipping a beat, Amanda began to play, filling the house with music and chatter, laughter and compliments. Her presence was like a stormenergetic, impossible to ignore.
Elizabeth nodded, bewildered, apologizing for nothing, not quite understanding
Dan emerged. Amanda flitted over, pressed cash into his shirt pocket.
Mike said to give you thisyou helped a ton, thank you! Can I see your room?
We were just about to eat, Elizabeth hinted, ready for Amanda to go. Amanda shrugged.
Ill help with saladDan, could you help me tie this apron?
Amanda pulled Elizabeths apron from the hook, but Dan grabbed her arm and led her toward the door.
Thanks for coming by, Amanda, but my moms not feeling well, he said a bit loudly.
Oh. Well, okay,” Amanda sighed, putting on a pout. At least walk me outthe hallway light is busted and its scary.
Dan followed her down a flight of stairs; Amanda suddenly stopped, turned, and pulled him in, covering his face in kisses.
Good thing I came up with thisyour mom gave me the meanest look! But I still got you, didnt I? Come onMike and Mom are at the theater, itll be just us…
She led him down the orange-lit street, holding his hand, looking up at him in wonder, as if she couldnt quite believe he was real.
At the corner, someone called his namea girls voice.
Damn it, Dan muttered. Its Kristin
Whos that, your girlfriend? Amanda whispered, peering through the crowd.
Nojust a classmate, Dan spat, looking away.
Amanda pulled him close, kissing him full on the lips. He pulled back.
Whyre you scared? You want her to seeso she knows she cant have you anymore. You choose, Danyoure the man. Lets go, times running out!
Amanda was his firstbold, experienced, seductive. She would never be replaced in his memory. And thered be other women, sure, but none would outshine Amanda. Shed be the one he measured all others against.
Youre married Dan whispered, half-heartedly resisting as she coaxed him inside, hands everywhere.
So? Mikes only my husband by name at this point.
Why stay, then? Divorce him, and” he pleaded.
Stop it! Mikes just my cross to bear. My dad took care of us till he died. After that, things got tough. I cant work, Dan, not really. I witherI suffocate. Mike supported us, he brought money. I married him because he adored me, took care of us. Thats not gold-digging, Im his wife in every way. Dont judge me!
Sorry I get it, Dan panickedhe didnt want her to throw him out. Kids? You never had kids?
I was pregnant, once. It didnt last. It was Mikes fault, she said bitterly, pouring them red wine. Hes made it up to mehe suffers now, cant leave me, I cant leave him, but I love you, Dan. You, do you hear?
They lay in silence for a long time.
Dan left only when Amanda insisted she sensed her husband was coming back. She had a way of sensing everything: joy, dread, something good or bad on the horizon. She read signs, read cards, prayed for forgiveness. She fell to her knees, naked, weeping.
Where were you? Elizabeth stood in the hallway, barring Dans path. You smell like perfume, youre a mess, dark circles under your eyes. Kristin She stopped herself as Dan brushed past.
Kristin? Shes nothing, Ma. You just liked hershes not important to me. Shes justnobody. Leave me alone. And if she calls, tell her Im done. Shes justboring, okay?
Say it to her yourself! came Kristins furious voice from behind. Call me a nobody to my face!
She slung on her sneakers, grabbed her bag, and stormed out, skinning her knee on the stairs but running home before letting herself cryher heart wounded, her soul aching.
Later, Elizabeth found Amandas mom, Olivia, feeding ducks at the park. Shed heard from Kristin about Amanda and Dan.
Your daughters a shameless woman,” Elizabeth said quietly. “Please keep her away from my son.
Olivia finished sprinkling bread, sat beside her. My Amandas just doing what she never got to do when she married Mike too young. She enjoys herself because her husband made her childless. Shes beautiful and real.
Shes a vampireshe sucks men dry! Dan is still just a boy, and shes seduced himtaken him from a good girl like Kristin. Its disgustingall this lying to her husband. Dont you care how it looks?
Olivia threw more crumbs to the pigeons, watching them squabble beneath her feet.
Dont be dramatic. Amanda showed him real passion, not that pink-and-ribbons fantasy. Your sons in good hands. Men exist so women like us survive, you know?
Elizabeth backed away in disgust. Not everyone lives like that. Some people love with respectthey build their lives together. And if you wont control your daughter, Ill tell her husband everything!
Go ahead! Mike knows. Hes stuck, but he loves herhe suffers, and Amanda uses his guilt. And let your Dan sow his wild oatsspare his future wife the trouble.
Olivia dusted off her coat and leftfrail, helpless, carried away to another concert Mike would drag her to.
Dan crept into Amandas place with flowers and champagne, ready to announce hed dropped out of school and would take care of her, buy her everything, make her his wife.
But then he overheard her on the phone, laughing to her friend, Yeah, hes coming over soon. Next in lineyoung guys are the best. Ive had so many! What? Should I feel guilty? PleaseI love men, but theyre just raw material for me. I shape, I play, then toss them aside. Dan? Ill play with him a little longer. Mikes losing his mind, but he wont leave. Theyre all worms, every last one. My old man, my husband, this Dannever enough! Will I ever settle down? Never!
Amanda strolled out in her robe, ready for him, but Dan was goneleaving the trampled bouquet and bottle on the floor.
Partys over, candles out Amanda yawned, stretching. Guess Ill get some sleep. Tomorrow well find someone new
That day, Dan packed up and left for his uncles place in Portland.
Mike, I dont know what got into him! Elizabeth sobbed into the phone. He just stormed in, threw his things together, hugged me and left! I got a call from the schoolhes dropping out. Ill go in tomorrow, see if theyll take him back
Her brother consoled her. She was strong, she could handle thisa little help, a little listening, and shed get through it.
Mrs. Smith? Why are you here? Kristin approached Elizabeth, waiting outside the school office. I brought the logs. Are you going in?
Kristin. Im here about Danhe dropped out, left town. I just want them to wait, let him back in Kristin, forgive him, will you? I dont ask you to love him again, but pleasejust forgive. I did my best, but maybe I never taught him right from wrong
Kristin pressed her lips, refusing to cry, her heart aching all over again.
Its alright, Mrs. Smith. Dont worry. Lets see if the deans in
Dan returned a month later. Bearded, weathered, in boots and a thick old sweater, he trudged back in, setting his pack on the floor.
Dan Elizabeth asked quietly.
Yeah, Ma. Its me. Dont get upI’ll come to you.
He collapsed at her feet, letting her stroke his hair as she whispered, tears finally falling. NoOlivia was wrong. Not all men are worms. Dans dad died in Afghanistan, her grandfather lost two fingers at a steel lathe, but neither was a wormshe admired them both.
Who was Dan? He was kind, gentleyes, lost, but redeemable, not beyond forgiveness.
You need to go to Kristin and apologizenot to fix whatever you were, not to bring back love or friendship. But just say sorry, like a man. Thats all. I love you, but you need to love and respect yourself, too.
A worm? Dan smirked, wryly.
He knocked on Kristins door for a long time. Finally, she answered. He apologizeddidnt ask for anything, just said hed never met anyone as pure as her, and whoever spent their days with her would be the lucky one.
Kristin nodded. Shed wanted a life with him oncechildish crush or not, that was the flower of a first love. It never really dies. You remember it. It marks your lifeyour name, the years you loved.
Dan finished his degree by correspondence, and when he eventually left town, Elizabeth still hoped to become a grandma. In the meantime, she babysat Kristins kids sometimes, knitting silly toys, enjoying their laughter. Kristins husband was a good man, and she protected their love. She was the kind of daughter-in-law Elizabeth wanted, though fate made it impossible.
Amandas husband passed three years later. She now worked at the corner market, hating her job and her mother, who never even tried teaching and just moped at home cursing her luckAmanda left soon after the funeral. She sold off Mikes records, let the lease expire, and left no forwarding addressonly a postcard from some rain-soaked Mediterranean town, addressed to her mother, scrawled in turquoise ink: Dont wait up. Love, A.
The neighborhood healed around her absence, memory blurring her face and voice. Oakwood Streets children played in the sandbox again. The old ladies whispered, but the gossip grew gentle and tired.
Sometimes, on rare evenings, Dan would pass by the alley where lantern light once glowed from Amandas kitchen and felt a familiar ache in his chestsharper, then softer, like a bruise you test with your finger to see if its still there. It always was, in some small way.
Kristin, years on, would catch his eye at Sunday markets, the wind twisting her scarf as her children tugged at her arms. Her eyes would meet his, warm, a little sad, but peaceful. She would raise her hand in greeting. Hed nod, a quiet promise between themnever spoken, always understood.
And in the evenings, Elizabeth played old show tunes at her piano, letting the house fill with music and cinnamon and forgiveness, recalling the time when everything seemed so fragile and inevitableknowing, finally, that everyone carries a hunger, a longing, a lesson etched deep. But life, for the ones who stay, always keeps turning: sometimes away, sometimes right back toward the light.