Ethel! Where on earth are you hiding?! If I catch you, you can stay out of the house forever! Hear me? I wont let you get away!
The tiny fiveyearold, tucked away in a thicket of nettles by the fence of a modest cottage, sat on the sunwarmed earth with her palms over her ears, mumbling to herself in a barely audible whisper.
Come on, answer!
Ethel cant hear!
If only she could close her eyes and pretend the beautiful woman on the cottage stepup wasnt there but she cant, otherwise the woman will spot her. Thats happened before. Once, Ethel hid behind Rexs doghouse and stayed so quiet she even fell asleep. She woke to a hefty slap, then was yanked by the ear so hard she feared ever touching it again. Ouch!
The elegant lady isnt her mother. Shes Aunt Nancy, Mums sister. Aunt Nancy doesnt like Ethel because of the fatherless thing. What that means, Ethel doesnt fully grasp, but shes guessed a bit. She asked Sam, the neighbour boy, for an explanation. Sam is already eleven and knows far more than she does. He told her it meant no one wants her. No dad, no mum, just an aunt and an ageing Gran. Gran will die, and Aunt Nancy says shell have to take Ethel, which she absolutely does not want. She has plenty of her own children, he said.
Why am I getting this punishment? Mum! Why are you so quiet? Its all your fault! You spoiled Nat, and now what? My flat isnt made of rubber! Were packed in there like sardines in a tin! Ive got a husband, two kids and motherinlaw, all in two rooms! Where do we put Nat? And why?
You cant say that, Nancy! Shes your own fleshandblood!
Shes nothing to me! I never asked her to be born! I told Nat shed get nowhere with her sweetheart! Did I have rights? Of course! Nats gone now, and that bloke vanished like a ghost at dawn!
What did the child do to you?
Nothing! A burden I cant, you see, Mum, Im exhausted! My own lot keeps tripping me up I cant catch a break! Im busting my chops trying to scrape together a spare penny, and its all for naught! One day the school window gets smashed, the next day the kids need new jeans Where on earth am I supposed to find the money? We found a millionaire! Dad doesnt even lift a finger! He gets a salary and wanders about like a phantom! Im the one scraping every spare cent, while hes on one job and collapses on the other, poor thing! And the workdont beat a dead horse! They sit around spitting for half a day until the boss gives a whack! Then theyll go on, pick at the leftovers, and be happy! How am I supposed to live, Mum?
Im sorry, love, I cant help you but handing a child over to a childrens home while theres still family thats a sin!
That sins not mine, Mum!
Whos arguing?
I cant love her, do you get that or not?!
Oh, stop it! The important thing is she has a roof over her head! Its embarrassing Oh, Nancy Didnt you once say life would be easier if you were loved? She needs love too a living soul
Soul You cant feed a soul with lovesong fables, even if its alive! Itll still beg for more. Where will the money come from? You wont tell me, will you? And stop lecturing about love! The days when I needed you are over! Enough! The girls grown up a bit wiser
Ethel listened to that whole argument from under Grans bed, catching only half of it, but she remembered most of it. The carers at nursery always praised her memory, saying she had a good recall. So Ethel tries to listen carefully and can repeat everything word for word!
Ethel! How many times must I call you?! If you dont show up now youll be starving and fall asleep on the floor! Aunt Nancy appeared again on the step, but only briefly.
Grans health faltered again, and Ethel could hear her moans even from her hiding spot, despite the fence and nettles being a good distance from the house.
Let her be hungry! At least she isnt beaten! Ethel knows exactly why Aunt Nancy needs her. That morning Aunt Nancy ordered Ethel to wash the courtyard floor and the steps. Ethel forgot. She got distracted. Sam gave her an old toy car, bright red and missing a wheel. Ethel was delighted she hardly has any toys. An ancient doll, Molly, whose dress Gran stitched from a handkerchief, still sits there, never crying. A grey rabbit with only one eye Ethel loves him more than anything. And Mums blue beads, a gift from Granddad. Gran always said they were priceless on market day. Ethel didnt care about their value. She strings the beads along the steps, turning them into a sea, a mountain, a dragon, just like that forbidden book on the shelf. Gran never lets her tear it up, warning that Ethel might rip it.
Its a shame! Ethel has never ripped a book! She loves them, even the pictureless ones. She still only knows a few letters, but three are already memorised. When she spots them on a line of text, she lights up. If she learns the rest, shell read everything she just needs a little effort.
Evening drapes the yard in a soft, stuffy blanket of darkness. Mosquitoes buzz around her ears and Ethel sighs. Time to go. Probably therell be no food left, but Aunt Nancy has been running back and forth across the yard, tending the garden, and is now exhausted. She wont have any strength left for Ethel. A little scolding, and thats it.
Ethel crawls out of her nook and shuffles to the step. There sits Aunt Nancy, scowling.
You finally showed up? My grief Where have you been hiding, you little mudmonster? Get inside!
Ethel exhales. No more yelling today. Even grownups tire of the shouting. She could slip into Grans side, press her cheek to the dry, warm hand and wait a bit. The pain would ease, Gran would feel a flicker of pity for Ethelthats the highlight of the whole day. A gentle touch, a whisper, a few words
I love you, my little one I love you
No one else has ever said that to Ethel. Mum never got the chance, and Aunt Nancy apparently never either. Ethel once heard Aunt Nancy chide Gran for speaking in small talk to her own daughter never once.
Ethel cant believe it. Adults are odd. They remember the bad, forget the good, for some reason. She once asked Aunt Nancy why she kept doing it its like picking at a scab. You pull it off, it hurts again, over and over until it finally heals but if you keep picking, a scar remains. Why? Because your hands itch! Gran would say, scolding Ethel when she did the same. What hurts when youre not loved? The soul, she claimed. So why does the soul itch, making adults keep hurting themselves? Strange, isnt it?
If you asked Ethel, shed tell grownups what to do so everyones happy. Shed tell Gran to say to Aunt Nancy, I love you! and feel sorry for her, just as Ethel feels sorry for herself in the evenings. Its that simple just say it! Aunt Nancy is strong and clever, but Ethel feels sorry for her anyway. After all, from what Aunt Nancy says, nobody loves her never has. She may lie about that, but she wouldnt weep into her pillow if she were loved! Ethel knows that, because she herself cries She knows that when Gran is gone, no one will love her either
Gran patted Ethel on the head, whispered her words and let her go.
Off you go, love! Time for bed!
Ethels used to obeying. She turns and walks away, not noticing Grans faint blessing on her back.
Thirsty, she sneaks into the kitchen, wondering if Aunt Nancys there. She finds her
What are you doing?
Little water
Youll have plenty of that water Aunt Nancy grumbles, pouring a glass of milk and setting a plate of potatoes and a big slice of bread before Ethel. Eat! Ive warmed the milk. Ill wash Mum later, then you. You little mudpie!
Aunt Nancy, passing by, absentmindedly smooths Ethels hair, and Ethel does what shes longed to do she slips off the stool and wraps her arms around Aunt Nancys legs, unable to reach any higher.
What are you doing? Aunt Nancy, startled, pushes Ethel away. What?
Ill love you. If no one else does May I?
The question hangs unanswered. Aunt Nancy suddenly bursts into tears and darts out of the room, shoving Ethel aside. Yet Ethel knows its nothing not scary now she can calmly eat her milk and potato. Aunt Nancy will sob and settle down. It wont erase all the hurt, but even a tiny easing is a win. That little minute with Gran each evening is enough for Ethel to think of good instead of bad maybe Aunt Nancy will manage it too? When you think of the good, life feels lighter, even if someones been nasty to you.
Aunt Nancy returns to the kitchen, fills a basin with warm water and washes Ethel. She does it silently, scrubbing gently, not the usual harsh way.
Off you go! Lay down. Time!
A short command, and Ethel sighs in relief. She can crawl into the tiny room where her bed sits, pull the light sheet over her head and whisper to Mum. Every night she chats with Mum, bit by bit, about everything. Gran once said thats healthy. Its right. And Mum hears her. So Ethel tells her about Aunt Nancy tonight, and about how tomorrow shell get up early to wash the steps as Aunt Nancy asked. Ethel loves tidying up, she just sometimes forgets.
But the next morning she cant manage anything. Aunt Nancy wakes her early, plants a strange kiss on her cheek, and then shoves her out, where Grans neighbour, Mrs. Pritchard, is waiting.
Let her stay for a bit. Shes got nowhere else
Can I say goodbye?
Do I have to? She hasnt even seen her yet shell remember her as a living memory. Shes still little
Thats true. Alright. Ill feed her and then help.
Thanks
A few days later Ethel rides a bus with Aunt Nancy to the city. Shell never return to Grans cottage; itll be sold in a year, and Aunt Nancy will tell Ethel shes now her daughter officially. The word sounds strange, but it feels nice.
And Aunt Nancy even allowed her to take the old oneeyed rabbit shed been given ages ago by Gran. Ethel cant quite recall when, but the rabbits always looked patched and eartorn. Aunt Nancy stitched it back on herself. She wanted to sew in a new eye too, but couldnt find the right button. She promised shed fix it later. Ethel isnt in a rush.
The real point, though, is that every evening Ethel now goes to Aunt Nancy, who does what Gran used to do: a gentle rub on the cheek and endless words of love that Ethel wants to hear all day long.
I love you
When Aunt Nancy first said that, the day after Gran passed, Ethel didnt believe her. She kept doubting for a long time, until finally she answered,
I love you too!
Now she believes. Aunt Nancy says those words not just to Ethel but to her own children, to her husband (though not daily), and even he eventually believed, just like Ethel. He even found a job, so he didnt kick her out. He says, where there are two, theres room for three, and lets Ethel stay. So he tells her those words too, now and then.
Sure, a brother and sister sometimes tease Ethel, but thats nothing. The scary part is when theres absolutely no one. Ethel cant quite picture it, but she guesses. She can now read, and the books are full of wisdom. She trusts them. No point wasting time on nonsense.
Sometimes she recalls Grans cottage, the nettles by the fence, huge as umbrellas, warm, green, cosy but she cant go back, and she doesnt want to. Grans gone, and life with Aunt Nancy isnt terrible.
One thing Ethel cant wrap her head around is why Aunt Nancy kept saying she didnt need to be loved.
Everyone needs love! Ethel knows that.