Milly! Where are you hiding?! Get yourself out of there, you hear? You dont even have to go home! Hear me? Im not letting you get away!
A little girl, about five, had squeezed herself into a tangle of nettles by the fence of a modest cottage in a quiet English village. Shed sat on the sunwarmed earth, hands cupped over her ears, mumbling something soft to herself.
Shell call!
Milly cant hear!
If only she could close her eyes and not see the strikingly beautiful woman standing on the porch of Granddads old house! But she cant if she does, the woman will spot her. Thats happened before. Back then Milly hid behind Spots doghouse and stayed so quiet that she actually fell asleep. She woke up to a heavy slap, then got a tug on the ear that made her swear shed never touch that ear again. It hurt like the world.
The beautiful woman isnt Millys mother. Its Aunt Nancy, her mothers sister. Aunt Nancy doesnt love Milly because of the fatherless thing. Milly doesnt quite know what that means yet, but shes heard Sam, the neighbour, talk about it. Sams eleven now, so he knows a lot more than Milly. He told her it means Milly isnt anyones priority no dad, no mum, just an aunt and an elderly gran. Gran will pass on soon and Milly will be taken in by Aunt Nancy, who doesnt want her. Ive got my own kids, she says.
Why am I being punished like this? Mum! Youre the one whos quiet! You spoiled Nat, and now what? My flat isnt a rubber balloon! Its jampacked like sardines in a tin! Ive got a husband, two kids and my motherinlaw, all squeezed into two rooms! Where do we put her? And why?
You cant say that, Nancy! Shes family!
Shes nothing to me! I didnt ask for her to be born! I told Nat nothing good would ever come of her loveydovey boyfriend! Did I have the right? Of course! Nats gone now, and that bloke vanished like a ghost at dawn!
Whats the childs fault?
Nothing! A burden I cant, love, you understand? Im exhausted! My own lot keeps messing up I cant even keep up with them! Im scrabbling for a spare penny, but its useless! One day the school window shatters, the next shes begging for new jeans Where on earth do I get the cash? We found a millionaire! The dad never lifts a finger! He gets his salary and wanders off like a stray! Im the one pulling double shifts, while hes on one job, poor thing! And the work? Dont beat a dead horse! They sit around twiddling their thumbs till the boss gives them a slap on the neck! Then theyll grumble a bit and think theyre doing fine. How are we supposed to live, love?
Im sorry, darling, I cant help you The only thing you can do is hand her over to a childrens home, and thats a sin!
That sins not mine, Mum!
Whos arguing?
I cant love her, do you get that?
Oh, stop it! Just make sure she stays in the house! Its embarrassing Oh, Nancy Didnt you say life would be easier if people loved you? She needs that too a living soul
Soul You cant feed a soul with love stories if its alive! Itll still beg for more. Where do you get that? Dont lecture me about love! The time when I needed you is gone! Enough! The girls grown up smarter
Milly listened to the whole argument from under Grans bed, catching only half of it, but she remembered most of it. The carers at nursery always praised her, saying she had a good memory. So Milly tries to listen carefully, then repeat everything word for word!
Milly! How many times must I call you?! If you dont show up soon youll go to bed hungry! Aunt Nancy shouted again, stepping onto the porch, but only for a moment.
Grans health had taken a turn, and Milly could hear her moans even from her little hideaway, despite the fence and nettles being a good distance from the house.
Go on, be hungry! At least youre not beaten! Milly knows exactly why Aunt Nancy needs her. That morning Aunt Nancy ordered Milly to wash the floor and the steps on the porch. Milly forgot. She got distracted. Sam gave her an old red pushcar thats missing a wheel, but Milly was thrilled! She doesnt have many toys an old rag doll called Lucy, whose dress Gran stitched from a handkerchief, a grey rabbit with one eye that Milly adores above all, and Moms blue beads, a lovely set Mums dad gave her, Gran says. Gran also says theyre practically worthless on market day, but Milly doesnt care about the price. She strings the beads on a thread and lays them on the porch steps to her theyre a sea, a mountain, a dragon, just like that forbidden book she isnt allowed to take off the shelf. Gran wont let her read it. You might tear it, she warns.
It hurts! Milly has never ripped a book! She loves them, even the ones without pictures. Shes only learned three letters so far, but when she spots them in gardenrow story lines she lights up. If she recognises a few, shell pick up the rest as she learns just a bit of effort.
Evening drapes the yard in a heavy blanket of dusk. Mosquitoes buzz in her ears and Milly sighs. Time to go. She probably wont get any supper, but Aunt Nancy has been pacing the yard all afternoon, handling chores, and is exhausted. Shell have no strength left for Milly. A little scolding, then its over.
Milly climbs out of her hideout and trudges to the porch, where Aunt Nancy sits, scowling on the steps.
Youre here? My hearts aching Where have you been hiding? All filthy Get inside!
Milly exhales. No more shouting today. Even adults get tired of screaming. She could go to Gran, press her cheek against the warm, dry hand, and wait a bit. The pain would ease, and Gran would feel sorry for Milly thats the best part of the day. A gentle touch, a quiet whisper, words
I love you, my little one. I love you
No one else had ever said those words to Milly. Mum never got the chance, and Aunt Nancy apparently didnt either. Milly once heard Aunt Nancy chide Gran for calling her little and never saying those words to her own daughter.
Milly cant believe it. Adults are odd they remember the bad bits, forget the good. She once asked Aunt Nancy why she did it, likening it to picking at a scab. Pull the crust off, and it hurts again, over and over, until it finally heals. But if you keep picking, a scar stays. Why do it? she wondered. Because the hands itch! Gran would say, scolding Milly when she did the same. What hurts when youre not loved? The soul? Gran swore thats how it works. So why does the soul itch, making grownups keep hurting themselves? Strange, isnt it?
If anyone asked Milly, shed tell the grownups what to do so everyones happy: tell Gran to say to Aunt Nancy, I love you! and feel sorry for her, because Milly feels sorry for her every evening. Its that simple just say it. Aunt Nancy is strong, clever, but Milly feels sorry for her anyway. From what Aunt Nancy says, nobody loves her. Nobody ever has. Shed be lying to say otherwise. She wouldnt be crying into her pillow at night if she were loved. Milly knows that, because she cries herself. She knows that when Grans gone, no one will love her either.
Gran stroked Millys head, whispered those lines, and let her go.
Off you go, love. Time for bed!
Millys used to obeying her. She turns and walks away, not noticing Grans quiet blessing on her back.
Thirsty, Milly sneaks into the kitchen, hoping Aunt Nancys there. She is.
What are you?
A bit of water
Youll have plenty of that Aunt Nancy grumbles, pouring a glass of milk and placing a plate of mash and a big slice of bread in front of Milly. Eat! Ive warmed the water. Ill wash Mom later, then you. You filthy little thing!
Aunt Nancy walks past Milly, absentmindedly ruffling her hair, and Milly does what shes wanted for ages. She slips off the stool and wraps her arms around Aunt Nancys legs, unable to reach higher.
What are you doing? Aunt Nancy, startled, pulls Milly away. What?
Ill love you. If no one else does Can I?
The question hangs. Aunt Nancy tears up and rushes out of the room, pushing Milly aside. Yet Milly feels its nothing to fear. She can finally have her milk and her mash in peace. Aunt Nancy will weep, and maybe it will ease her pain a little. It wont disappear entirely, but even a tiny relief is a win. That minute with Gran in the evening is enough for Milly to think of the good, not the bad. Perhaps Aunt Nancy will find that too. When you focus on the bright side, life feels lighter, even if someones being nasty.
Aunt Nancy returns to the kitchen, fills a basin with warm water and washes Milly in silence, scrubbing gently with a sponge, softer than usual.
Off you go! Get into bed. Its late!
A short command, and Milly sighs, climbing into the little room where her bed waits. She pulls the thin blanket over her head and talks quietly with Mom, even though Moms just a voice in her head. They chat about everything, bit by bit, every night. Gran once said that was good. Its right. Mom hears her. Milly tells her about Aunt Nancy, and about how tomorrow shell get up early to wash the porch steps, just as Aunt Nancy asked. Milly loves tidying up, even if she sometimes forgets.
The next morning, however, she never gets to do it. Aunt Nancy wakes her early, kisses her a strange kiss and shoves her out of the house, where Grans neighbour, Mrs. Potter, is waiting.
She can stay here for a while. No use keeping her.
Can I say goodbye?
Do I have to? Shell remember you as long as she lives. Shes still a child.
Right. Ill feed her and help out.
Thanks
A few days later, Milly hops on a bus with Aunt Nancy heading for the city. Shell never go back to Grans cottage; itll be sold within a year, and Aunt Nancy will tell Milly shes now her daughter officially. The word sounds strange, but it feels nice.
Aunt Nancy also lets Milly take the old oneeyed rabbit that Gran gave her ages ago. She barely remembers it, but its always been that ragged, singleeyed creature. Aunt Nancy sews a new ear onto it she wanted to stitch a whole new eye too, but couldnt find the right button. She promised shed do it later. Millys not in a rush.
What matters most is that every evening Milly now goes to Aunt Nancy, and she does what Gran used to do rubs Millys cheek and whispers words she wants to hear over and over.
I love you
When Aunt Nancy first said that, Milly didnt believe her the next day after Gran passed. She kept doubting for a long while. Eventually she answered back:
I love you too!
Now she believes. Aunt Nancy doesnt reserve those words just for Milly; she tells them to her own kids, even to her husband now and then not every day, but enough. He didnt believe them at first, either, just like Milly, but now he does and says them back, sometimes without words, just with a smile.
Sure, her brother and sister sometimes tease Milly, but thats no big deal. The real fear is being completely alone. Milny doesnt know exactly what that feels like, but she guesses. She can now read, and the books are full of things she trusts. She wont waste time on nonsense.
Sometimes she remembers Grans cottage, the nettles by the fence, the huge leaves that looked like umbrellas. It was warm, green, cosy but she cant go back, and she doesnt need to. Grans gone, but Aunt Nancys not terrible.
One thing still puzzles Milly: why did Aunt Nancy lie when she said she didnt need anyone to love her? Everyone needs love. Milly knows that.
I love you, my little one
That line will stay with her forever.