Sit down! Were not home! I said calmly.
Right, theyre ringing again, Emily froze, leaping from the sofa.
Let them, I replied.
What if its someone important? Or business? she asked.
Its Saturday, the twelfth, I said. You didnt call anyone, Im not expecting anyone. Got it?
Ill just peek through the window, Emily whispered.
Sit! My voice was steel. Were not at home. Whoevers there, let them come back the way they came!
Do you even know who it is? Emily asked.
Im guessing, which is why Im telling you to sit and stop flashing the lights at the windows!
Yes, if Im right, they wont just walk away, Emily shrugged.
It depends on how many times we refuse to open the door, I answered evenly. Sooner or later theyll go away.
In any case they wont spend the night in the hallway, and weve got nowhere to be. So sit, grab the headphones, the phone, and put on a film.
James, my mums calling, Emily said, holding up her screen.
So your aunt and her little boy are standing at the door, I summed up.
How do you know? Emily wondered.
If my cousin were there I let the e in cousin slip out soft and a little nasty my mum would have rang me!
Arent there any other possibilities? Emily pressed.
If theyre neighbours Ive no wish to speak to them. If theyre friends, a few knocks would have sent them off already. Most decent folk would call ahead and ask if we could take them in, not bang on the door for half an hour! Only our nagging relatives would be so shamelessly intrusive.
James, its my aunt, Emily said plaintively. Mums text says shes asking where the devils have taken us. Aunt Nancy will stay a few days; shes got business in town.
Tell her there are plenty of hotels in the city, I smirked.
James! Emily snapped. I cant write that!
I know, I thought. Write that were not home, that were staying in a hotel because the flat is overrun with cockroaches!
Exactly! Emily typed and sent.
James, she wants us to book two rooms for her and Ben, Emily said, eyes wide.
Write that were broke. And say weve booked two beds in a B&B with fifteen other guests in the room, I said, delighted with my own cleverness.
Mum wants to know when well be back, Emily looked at me.
Write next week, I waved her off.
The knocking stopped. We both let out relieved sighs.
James, Mums written that Aunt Nancy will arrive in a week, Emily said, exhausted.
So we wont be home again, I replied.
James, you realise thats not a solution, dont you? We cant keep running from them forever. What if they show up on a weekday? What if they wait at the door after work? Neither your cousin nor my aunt are that dangerous!
Right, I sighed. Did the devil push us into buying a threebedroom flat?
James, we bought it for our future big family, Emily reminded me.
Kids are what we need! Better yet, two at once!
And Im not opposed, Emily snapped back, you know I need a checkup! It wont happen otherwise!
Cut the nerves and everything will settle, I said seriously. Our nerves are switching places constantlyyours, then mine. Lets chase them out of wherever theyre sneaking in, because theyre stopping us from getting anything done!
Emily didnt argue. She knew I was right.
When we were to be married wed undergone a full compatibility and genetic screening, even checked fertility.
Everything was wonderful after the wedding, but the baby question had to be put on hold while we saved for a flat.
Inheritance was a pipe dream. Before the wedding both of us lived with our mums in onebedroom flats. We could only rely on ourselves.
Five years of hard work and scrimping finally let us buy a large house. It was a secondhand property, not new, and we poured money into renovations; the furniture was almost all bought new. But the happiness was immense!
We barely got to celebrate the housewarming when Aunt Nancy turned up at the doorstep with her son. And, to keep us on our toes, her motherinlaw tagged along.
Dont worry, theres plenty of space, she said cheerfully. We certainly didnt suffer in that tiny room you two shared!
Convenient, Aunt Nancy agreed. Ill put Ben in his own room.
We dont sleep in the hall, I replied. Thats the lounge.
Im not here to work, Aunt Nancy laughed. Emily, tell your husband itll be noisy with my sonhe snores! She added, And you havent even set the table yet!
We werent expecting you, Emily stammered.
The fridge is empty too, I added.
Thats how it is, Aunt Nancy said warmly. James, run to the shop, and Emilyhead to the kitchen!
Why are you all frozen? the motherinlaw shouted. Youre supposed to be welcoming guests!
You didnt even knock I shouted, but Emily dragged me into another room.
When I finally got Emilys hand away from her mouth I asked, Emily, has anyone mixed anything up? Ill throw them out with your mother! I mean, together with your mother! If theyre guests, behave like guests. Whats this then?
James, shes simple country folk, Emily sighed. Thats how they are.
I know the countryside, but rudeness isnt accepted anywhere! Thats what this is!
Darling, lets not argue with Mum and Aunt, Emily pleaded. Theyll drive us mad anyway! Youll become their enemy! Do you want that?
It doesnt matter what I become to them. If they treat me like this, Ill just ignore them altogether. Let them disappear, I wont mourn.
James, love! Have pity on me! If we kick Aunt Nancy out now, Mum will curse me, and Ive no one else but her!
Those words broke me. I clenched my teeth and headed to the supermarket.
Aunt Nancy lingered three days, then two weeks. By the second day I was on Valerian tea until evening.
When Aunt Nancy and her son finally left, we celebrated with a broom, a mop, and three days of scrubbing the flat.
Then the same thing happened, only from the other side.
Brother, Ill be with you only briefly, Tom hugged me, his bones creaking. Well settle the business and be back.
You cant handle it alone? I asked.
What? I have a family! How can I leave them in the village while Im in the city? Think, Tom! he laughed. If I find adventure, will my wife control me?
So you dragged the kids along? I asked.
Who will look after them? Tom punched me on the back. They can have fun! Lets go, like in the old days, and sort this town out!
Tom! Svetlana shrieked. Ill teach you a lesson youll never forget!
An hour and a half after Tom arrived with his family, Emily was writhing in a terrible headache.
The kids ran around the flat, screaming nonstop. Svetlana could only shriek; she couldnt speak properly.
Tom kept darting off to light a fire, which only made Svetlana scream louder.
James, youre practically an only child to Mum, Emily muttered into her pillow.
Its a maternal cousin, I growled. I call him my cousin.
Whatever you call him, can we get him to leave?
You know, Id love to, I said, hand on my heart, but its the same mess as with your aunt. My mum will later scoop my brains out with a teaspoon and force me to eat them!
We barely managed to leave one visit before new guests appeared at the door. Aunt Nancy and her son kept popping up with town business.
Cousin Tom and his family dropped by now and then to settle their affairs. Mothers never forgot the children. Motherinlaw kept poking at the soninlaw, the motherinlaw at the daughterinlaw.
The constant tension was wearing down the mental health of our young marriage.
Of course, there was no talk of children on this endless carousel of guests. Health was already in poor shape, and we were left asking, How?
Shall we swap flats? Emily suggested.
For cheaper rooms? I smiled. Theyll be handed to us soon enough!
No, Emily giggled lightly. Lets swap our flat for an identical one! There are people who want to move to another district. Well move and never tell anyone where we went!
Thats just postponement, I muttered. Both my cousin and your aunt will find new neighbours wholl tell them where we lived. Theyll find us and have a field day with us!
Maybe well have time to have a baby? Emily asked hopeful.
Well need not only to make one, but bring it into the world. Thatll give us some purpose, I said, shaking my head.
At least move out of the flat, Emily said sadly. Should we ask friends to stay with? Hide somewhere?
You mean Val and Kate? I asked.
Yes, Emily nodded. Theyve got a spare room.
Terra lives there, right? I smiled. Forgot?
Id rather live with a German shepherd than with our relatives! Emily lowered her head in defeat.
Stop! I shouted, snatching the phone. Val, can you borrow a dog?
Hey mate! Im forever in your debt! Kat and I want a holiday, but weve got no one to look after the little one! She hates strangers but knows and respects you! Ill bring food, bedding, toys, bowls! Ill even pay! Val shouted.
Great, bring it over! I said delightedly.
Back to Emily, beaming like the morning sun: Call Mum, tell her Aunt Nancy arrives tomorrow! Ill ring my brother so hell visit next week!
Are you sure? Emily asked.
Well welcome them with open arms! Whos to blame if they dont like our flat?
Cousin Tom and his family only needed one yeahsure to book a comfy hotel instead.
Aunt Nancy, however, was determined to stay as a guest.
Lock that beast somewhere! she warned, hiding behind her sons narrow back.
Mrs Nancy, youre joking? I chuckled. Fortyfive kilos of pure muscle! Thats not a poodle, its a German shepherd! Shell tear any door down!
Why is she snarling at me? Aunt Nancys voice trembled.
She doesnt like strangers, Emily shrugged.
Get rid of her! I cant live in the same flat with that animal!
How? Get rid of it? I protested. That sweet dog is ours now! We have no kids yet, but we should love something! We love her dearly!
Well never throw her away! Emily added.
Later both mums called, asking why we turned our relatives away.
We never chased them out, we both replied, they simply chose not to stay! Come on over! Well be delighted!
And the dog?
Mum, were not refusing anyone!
Eventually the mums stopped trying to crash on our couch.
A month later Terra went back to her owners, ready to return at the first summons, but we never needed her. Emily was waiting for a doublebedroom.
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