Sit down! Were not home! Peter says calmly.
Yes, theres a knock! Poppy freezes, rising from the sofa.
Whatever, Peter replies.
What if its someone important? Or business? Poppy asks.
Its Saturday, the twelfth, Peter states. You havent called anyone, Im not expecting anyone. Verdict?
Ill just peek through the peephole, Poppy whispers.
Sit! his voice is as hard as steel. Were not at home! Whoevers there, let them turn back!
You know who it is? Poppy asks.
Im guessing, which is why I tell you to sit and not flicker by the windows, Peter answers.
If its what I think, they wont just walk away, Poppy says, shrugging.
It depends on how long we keep the door shut, Peter says evenly. Sooner or later theyll go away.
In any case they wont end up sleeping in the hallway, and we have nowhere to be. So sit, grab the headphones, the phone, and watch a film.
Peter, my mums calling, Poppy says, holding up her screen.
So it must be your aunt with her odd little boy standing at the door, Peter sums up.
How do you know? Poppy is surprised.
If my cousin were there Peter lets the e in cousin slip out soft and a little slurredmy mum would have called!
Dont you have any other possibilities? Poppy asks.
If its the neighbours, I have no desire to talk to them. If its our friends, a few knocks would have sent them off already. Most decent people would ring ahead and ask if we can take them in, not bang on the door for half an hour. Only our meddlesome relatives would be so brazen.
Peter, thats my aunt, Poppy says plaintively. Mum texted: Where are we being taken? Aunt Natalie will stay with us for a few days, she has business in town.
Tell her there are plenty of hotels in town, Peter smiles.
Peter! Poppy snaps. I cant write that!
I know, Peter thinks. Write that were not home, were staying in a hotel because the flat is infested with cockroaches!
Exactly! Poppy types and sends the message.
Peter, she wants us to book two rooms for her and Kenny, Poppy says, panicking.
Write that weve got no money. Also say weve booked two beds in a hostel and there are fifteen foreigners in the room with us, Peter grins at his own ingenuity.
Mum asks when well be back, Poppy looks at her husband.
Write in a week, Peter waves off.
The knocking stops. The couple sighes in relief.
Peter, mum just texted that aunt will arrive in a week, Poppy says, voice drained.
So well be out of the house again, Peter replies.
Peter, you know thats not a solution. We cant keep running from them forever. What if they turn up on a weekday? What if they wait at the door after work? My aunt, your secondcousinnone of them are that ruthless!
Well, yeah, Peter sighs. Did the Devil trick us into buying a threebedroom flat?
Peter, were buying this for our future big family, Poppy says.
We need a child! Better yet, two! Peter says seriously.
Am I opposed? Poppy retorts, outraged. You know we need a checkup! Its not happening!
Take the nerves out of the way and everything will be fine, Peter says seriously. Our nerves keep swappingyours, then mine. Lets chase them all out of wherever theyre sneaking in, because otherwise nothing works!
Poppy doesnt argue. She knows Peter is right.
When they were about to marry they passed a thorough compatibility and genetic screening, including fertility checks.
After the wedding they had to postpone the baby plans to save for a flat.
There was no point counting on an inheritance. Before the wedding both Peter and Poppy lived with their mums in onebedroom flats, so the only safety net was themselves.
Five years of hard work and scrimping finally let them buy a spacious flat. Its a secondhand building, not new, they spent on renovations, the furniture is almost all assembled from scratch. But the happiness was huge!
They havent even celebrated moving in when Aunt Natalie and her son appear on the doorstep, accompanied by the motherinlaw.
Dont worry, theres plenty of room. Not like us squeezing into one room! Aunt Natalie says cheerfully.
Perfect, she adds. Well put a room for me and Kenny separate.
We dont sleep in the lounge, Peter says. Its a lounge for relaxing!
Im not here to work, Aunt Natalie laughs. Poppy, tell your husband Ill be noisy with my sonhe snores! And you havent even set the table yet!
Well, we didnt expect you, Poppy stammers.
And the fridge is empty, Peter supports.
Exactly as it should be, Aunt Natalie says warmly. Peter, off to the shop, and Poppyhurry to the kitchen!
Why are you standing there? the motherinlaw shouts. Youre supposed to be hosting guests!
You didnt bother, Peter exclaims, but Poppy drags him into another room.
When Peter finally manages to pull Poppys hand away from her mouth, he asks:
Poppy, has anyone mixed things up? Ill throw them out, even your mother! If theyre guests, treat them like guests! Whats this then? he fumes.
Peter, shes simple country folk! Thats how they are! Poppy says.
I know country folk, but rudeness isnt accepted anywhere! Thats exactly it!
Darling, lets not fight with mum and aunt, Poppy pleads. Theyll wear us out! Youll become their enemy! Do you want that?
Whatever I become to them, I dont mind. If they treat me like this, Ill just ignore them forever. Let them disappear, I wont even miss them.
Peter, my love! Have a pity on me! If we kick Aunt Natalie out now, mum will curse me, and I have no one else but her!
That argument moves Peter. He clenches his teeth and goes to the shop.
Aunt Natalie stays for three days, then stretches the visit to two weeks. Peter spends the afternoon on valerian tea until nightfall of the second day.
When Aunt Natalie and her son finally leave, the young couple celebrate with brooms and mops, scrubbing the flat for three days.
Then the same thing happens from the other side.
Bro, Ill be with you only briefly, Dave hugs his brother, the bones cracking. We sort the business, then were back.
You cant handle everything alone? Peter asks.
What? I have a family! How can I leave them in the village while Im in the city? Think, mate! Dave laughs. What if I find an adventure? My wife will keep me in check!
So you dragged the kids along? Peter asks.
Who will I leave them with? Dave slaps Peter on the back. They can have fun! Lets show this little town what were made of!
Dave! Sophie yells. Ill teach you a lesson youll feel for ages!
An hour and a half after Dave arrives with his family, Poppy writhes in a migraine.
The kids run through the flat, shouting nonstop. Sophie can only shriek; she cant hold a conversation.
Dave darts off to light a fire, making Sophie scream even louder.
Peter, youre supposedly my only son, Poppy mutters into her pillow.
Its a secondcousin on my mums side, Peter growls. I call him my cousin.
Call him what you like, but can we get him out of here?
You know Id love to, Peter says, hand on his heart, but its the same mess as with your aunt. My mum will pull my brain out with a teaspoon and make me eat it!
They barely finish one visit before new guests appear on the doorstep. Aunt Natalie and her son constantly pop in for town business.
Cousin Dave and his family drop by periodically to settle their affairs. The mums never forget the kids. The motherinlaw squeezes the soninlaws brain, the motherinlaw squeezes the daughterinlaws.
Constant tension erodes the young couples mental health. Of course, talking about children on this endless carousel of guests is impossible. Their health is already teetering, and the practical question remains: what now?
Shall we swap flats? Poppy suggests.
For softer rooms? Peter smiles. Theyll be given to us soon enough!
No, Poppy smiles faintly. Lets exchange our flat for an identical one. There are people who want to live in a different neighbourhood. We move, and we dont tell anyone where weve gone!
Just postponing, Peter mutters. Both my cousin and your aunt will find new tenants wholl spill where we lived. Theyll find us and hang us for such tricks!
Maybe we have time to have a baby? Poppy asks hopeful.
We need not only to make one, but to bring it into the world. Thatll at least give us a reason, Peter shakes his head.
Even if you move out of the flat, lets ask friends for a place. Hide somewhere!
You mean Val and Kate? Peter asks.
Yes, Poppy nods. They even have a spare room!
Terra lives there, Peter jokes. Forgot?
Id rather live with a German Shepherd than with our relatives! Poppy sighs, head down.
Stop! Peter shouts, snatching the phone. Val, borrow a dog!
Oi! Mate! Im forever in your debt! Kat and I want a seaside break, but we cant leave the little girl alone. She hates strangers but knows and respects you! Ill bring food, bedding, toys, bowlspay for everything! Val shouts. Ill deliver!
Sounds good! Peter replies happily.
He returns to his wife, bathed in the morning light.
Call mum, let aunt arrive tomorrow! Ill ring my brother and ask him to come over next week!
Are you sure? Poppy asks.
Well welcome them gladly! Whos to blame if they dont like our flat?
Cousin Dave and his family need only one yes to book a comfy hotel.
Aunt Natalie insists on staying as a guest.
Lock that beast somewhere! she threatens, shielding her tiny son.
Mrs Natalie, are you joking? Fortyfive kilos of pure muscle! Thats not a lapdog, thats a German Shepherd! It could break any door!
Why is she growling at me? Aunt Natalies voice trembles.
She doesnt like strangers, Poppy shrugs.
Get rid of it! I cant share a flat with that animal!
Get rid of it?! Peter protests. That sweet pooch is ours now! We have no kids yet, but we need love, and we adore it!
We wont throw it away! Poppy adds.
Both mums then call, asking why they turned away family.
We never chased them away, they both answer. They just didnt want to stay. Come over anytime, well be glad!
And the dog?
Mum, were not refusing anyone!
Soon the mums stop bursting in unannounced. A month later Terra returns to her owners, ready to come back at the first call, but she never has to.
Poppy waits for a twin.
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